The light

Slinging heavy material, driving to a place that’s fucked over, but the brakes cut. The lights are out but it’s time for your embrace. The raging animal inside that begs for the bars to dissolve, the freedom of punishment inflicted on the unaware, and the crushing weight of a society that pays for ignorance on a lay a way plan. The time to rise is gone; the fight has passed you by, are you waiting in line for the next I-phone? Are you numb from your head full of stupid, have the backs of your neighbors fallen victim to government ruled self inflicted suicide? The lights are out but it’s time for your embrace. Fly your own drone, your bar-coded tattoo comes in a wide range of colors. Have you ever seen the self reflected smile of ignorance as you order your number five with a side of fries? Your wooden stomach eaten by the termites of the fallen Roman Empire, the barbarians are past the gates, it’s time to cross another Rubicon Cesar. The lights are out, buts time for your embrace.

I don't care where, just far

11:45, 12:03, 1:15, almost time, dread rises up inside and sticks in my throat as if someone cut it from the inside. Ten minutes warp into an hour; it’s here, everything off, stand up, fake a smile. I push my way through bits of lingering conversation, children talking about Christmas presents. I looked over to see where you were, I lose myself, transfixed by the way your mouth moves, it’s like there is no one else in the room right now. I’m guarding Kronos , I laugh, me guarding the king of heaven, father titan, 1:30, reluctantly he lets me pass.

I crash through the door and quick step to the double door, the slender handle greets me, cold, always cold. I round the corner and try and really get my feet under me.

“Wait up”

My back to you, my eyes close for a moment. A crooked beautiful smile at the corner of your mouth, I should have ignored it, kept going. You’re losing parts of your armor Brandon, you don’t even know her. I stopped in the hall, it was glaring white bathed in scuff marks and harsh halogen. I remember you walking towards me, one moment you were an unfocused image, blurred. A few heartbeats later there you were, God I wanted to look away, the freckles over your nose displayed like some beautiful unknown constellation.

What are you reading?

I don’t really remember what I told you, at that moment I didn’t care. Every time your eyes would find mine I forgot myself.

I’m sitting in my car asking if it’s time to go yet. Click once, click twice, finally the car catches and fires up. My timing has always been off, no time for that though huh? 103.1 thankfully comes in, I enter the maze that leads me back to my house.

It feels like the beginning again, I’m always amazed how much solitude there can be in Los Angeles, I guess you have to look for it. I’ve crossed over Sepulveda; my throat gets a little dry, just a passenger on this poisonous concrete snake. I really don’t want to go home, but there is nowhere to go, I stop off at the 7/11, maybe I’ll throw a pity party tonight, seems appropriate.

I’m home, I remember closing the door and resting against it for a moment. 2:21, 3:33, 5:05. How long have I laid here? I feel for a pulse on my neck, I ‘m asleep.

Le Sigh

Wow, two years, I still feel you everyday, your beautiful face framed in dark hair and glasses. I thought about you strongly the other day, for obvious reasons. Where are we? Gone, darkened, the breath left and I looked over my shoulder one last time. Francis place, the balcony with all your plants you loved to take care of, my life a thousand years ago. Sitting in Minkis, the passenger side radiator leaked all over my feet, driving around a city that was foreign, Namos.....sitting at Norms every Friday. How you loved me when I was in bad place,

I know when your home
I was thinking about you
their was something i forgot to say

they were playing our song
crying on a saturday night

you go viscously, quietly away

so lonely without you.

I wish you would just leave
your presence still lingers...

Fuck this place, there's no one here but us mice anyway.

I'm digging my way...

I’m pressing my face against a slowly crumbling, yet unseen barrier, my eyes closed, while the headphones crank out this hypnotic beat soldiering on repeat.

This weather is invoking of familiar times, thought to be archaic, and built upon a foundation of sleeping pills. I cannot help but give into the song and wait to fall asleep. I am enveloped in soft death, sweetened with the choicest of poisons that only the best prescriptions can supply.

Laughable red sounds and warm blue visions coat the street in destruction, while I m running from the immovable. Crossing bearing servants, saturated with holy bliss, unmindful of the impending sky rapidly falling about them in minute sparks, dyeing in fiery smiles.

Hopeless is mans ambition underwater, climb elsewhere until feathers become dry and the fear of descent is but a shadowy illumination etched upon non comprehension.

Hollow concerns shake sublime convictions, look at what you steal, digression into obsession, nothing can be truly known.

Destroy everything you touch, this day, please destroy me this way, everything you touch.

Where the river flows

I 'm so lonely right now. I feel broken, and i don't feel like I am strong enough...I miss your face, our ways that only we knew about, I wanted to be more for you, I am now...but it doesnt matter...

We are on the other side of the chasm from each other.

I m broken when I'm lonesome.

Sometimes I just clench my fists and bite down until I taste blood.

Your gone away, fuck I'm stupid

Fuck

Green Tea

Roughly in six days time my would-be anniversary happens. This year would have made six years with Laura. However, we have been apart for almost one and a half years it will make two this coming April as far off as that horizon seems. Today it hits me the hardest, I am sitting at my friend’s house looking out the window and some familiar scent breezes into the window, and I am sucked from my spot and spit into a world of warm memories. When those remembrances faded there is nothing warm to greet me. I have felt the sentiment of isolation and aloneness growing for something time. Somewhere I was hoping that this month would rapidly pour into the bottom of September’s hour glass. If you look into the glass though you always see a few grains that stubbornly remain behind willing time to relent or maybe looking forlornly at all their friends at the bottom wondering why they are by themselves when everyone else is at the party. Sometimes it is tough to tell.

Recently I went to the grocery store late one night to get something to drink. While I was in there the feeling of being alone hit me strongly, why there I do not know. Somehow the lights inside the Giant Eagle at that moment were vividly bright and the color green stood out in heavy contrast to everything else. I know that does not make any sense, but the image is still with me, I close my eyes and can see it actively dancing through the grocery store. I purchased what I came for, some green tea and Samuel Adams Oktoberfest beer.

As I was walking outside there was a couple standing by their car putting groceries away into the back of the car. They reminded me of how alone I felt at that moment. I was walking to my truck and I watched their movements the whole time studying them, envying them as they would take comfort in the warmth of each other that night and many others I suppose. I fired up the truck and stomped on the peddle blowing past the red light at the end of the pathway, I sent the tires screaming onto the paved road and rocketed up to 75 miles an hour in a 25. My heart beat heavy in my chest and I could not get the image of the green light out of my mind. There was a brief moment that I felt like I would take flight from the truck and ascend to someplace that only the Gods knew. To be honest and as corny as it may sound I tried to embrace the feeling, at that point I just wanted to be anywhere other than alone.

Truthfully I do not remember pulling into the driveway and cutting the engine to the truck. I just sat there listening to the radio in the driveway while the street lamp behind me tried to make up its mind whether it wanted to stay on or off. In those moments of flashing orange street lamp haze and silent reflective darkness I felt as if I was the only being in the world. I felt that getting out of the truck would bring back all the earthly burdens of emotional baggage I tried to leave at Giant Eagle after seeing that couple. As if that could be feasibly done, at one moment the truck was a safe-haven and a tomb. I remember resting my head back against the cold glass window behind me and closing my eyes wondering what I was doing here. Again I was visited by the green light. I am not sure how I got onto this subject, my original intention was to somehow write about my relationship with Laura, and how I miss her, and truthfully just miss female companionship. Anyway I have some pointless homework assignment to attend to, maybe if someone else reads this they can offer some wisdom as to what is happening.

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."

-La Rochefoucauld"

I miss you L....

I have been “in country” for three months now……

“He’s got that 1000 yard stare”

“You get that from being in the bush too long”

I sleep on a mattress not fit for Willow that’s this guy in case you don’t know who he is .Anyhow back to the mattress, yes … definitely the mattress. Picture those dreadful Popsicle sticks the doctor uses to check your tongue, now imagine two of those side by side. That is what I sleep on. Except, the only sheet in the abode we have for it that fits, is Hello Kitty (I am Jack’s shoulder slumping defeat of all that is man), and…and the blanket cover is pink. Talk about feeling Herculean when you wake up in the morning. Nothing says confidence in their masculinity like that ass rot Hello Kitty bed sheet I am obliged to live with. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you sleep with a Hello Kitty bed sheet! Fuck!!! Excuse me while I look over my shoulder and stare angrily at my worthless twin sized bed. Worthless spring-filled nightmare machination, that about covers the bed.

Back to the land that time forgot, Ohio. Living here is like getting to go to Disney Land everyday. Except, imagine Walt Disney treasured flannel and appalling haircuts instead of some morose fantasy involving mouse sex and Jewish hatred. Every month in my home town (during the summer) we have some sort of “ethnic” fest, Irish fest, German Fest, Italian Fest, Strap on a greasy beater and rock your mullet Fest. Funny, I didn’t know every single one of them ate elephant ears and French fries, culture, served up on a bed of leafy greens and ignorance. It’s not all bad here, we have a mall, with a carousel, it doesn’t matter that the animals you strap your kids too smell like wood glue and urine, “that’s just the cleaning agent” the ride operator assured me(except he didn’t say agent, he said thingy), and then he went and picked up trays from the food court.

If shopping at the mall doesn’t fill your consuming needs we have a massive Metroplex like Wal-Mart. BTW this is Metroplex, he was a transformer……. that turned into a city. Do you know how I know you’re gay? Because you bought a fucking transformer that turned into a city….Hasbrownd! Conversely, the Wal-Mart does not transform into anything here, it’s just a place for old people to go when they die! This Wal-Mart isn’t some cheap ass one trick pony either; it’s a super Wal-Mart, filled with all sorts of child labor crafted goods. This comes in handy when I want to buy clothes and meat at the same time.